27 countries laid off in United Nations downsizing

MANHATTAN, NY—Citing "21st century economic realities," the United Nations has announced plans to lay off 27 member states by year's end.

"Like many organizations, we believe effective streamlining will allow us to remain competitive on a global scale," said UN spokesperson James Hartwell at Monday's General Assembly. "The reality is, there simply isn't a sustainable market demand for many of our esteemed members."

Among the nations to be dropped from the long-running intergovernmental alliance: Uzbekistan, Switzerland, Iceland, Equatorial Guinea, Central African Republic, Togo, Paraguay, Romania, New Zealand, Madagascar, and Burkina Faso.

Additionally, in light of France's underwhelming Q2 fiscal record, the United Arab Emirates will assume its seat on the UN Security Council. "When you think financial stability, you think the UAE," explained Hartwell. "So who better to help us keep the peace, so to speak? Personally, I'm feeling more secure already."

When asked whether these mass layoffs conflict with the United Nations' founding principles, Hartwell stressed the importance of long-term profitability. "As an organization, do we want to model ourselves after industry leaders like Apple and Wells Fargo? Or do we want to wake up one morning and discover we're the next Pets.com or Kenny Rogers Roasters?"

He added, "Kenny may be a gambler, but the UN most certainly isn't."