'We can have babies and play Hamlet': Actress Christine Horne on a trying yet triumphant 2017

This is part of a series of personal essays in which CBC Arts asked Canadian artists to reflect back on the year that was. This essay is by actress Christine Horne.

2017 was a huge year for me, both professionally and personally. For years, my friend and colleague Ravi Jain had been talking to me about revisiting the first play he directed in Toronto, Prince Hamlet — this time with myself as Hamlet. It was of course something I wanted to do, but Ravi is a busy, busy guy and it was impossible to know if there would ever be an opportunity to actually do it. Then, finally, he said he had a window: March/April 2017. "I'm having a baby in January," I told him. "OK," he said, "so how can we make it work?"

In my almost full year now of being both a working actor and a mother, I get asked nothing as much as, "Who's looking after your baby?" or, "What are you going to do with your baby?" or, "How do you feel about being away from your baby?" But Ravi and his company, Why Not Theatre, only ever asked me what they could do to help. It wasn't my problem to solve — it was a challenge we were going to figure out together, as a team.

My daughter would be seven weeks old when we started rehearsals, and they asked me what I thought I would need. The truth was that I couldn't really imagine what it would be like. What kind of shape would I be in physically? What if I had a C-section? What if she wouldn't take a bottle? What if I had post-partum depression? What if I just didn't want to do the play anymore? But I made a list of a few things that I thought could make it easier, and they made it happen. They found a rehearsal space in the east end, near where I live, to minimize my commute. We had a long (by Toronto standards) rehearsal period, and I started working only four hours a day, then five, then finally full days. They gave me longer breaks so I could pump and also have time to feed myself. Because it was virtually impossible to do any work at home, they would build time into the schedule for me to come into the space on my own to work on my lines. There was a constant dialogue about how I was doing, what I needed and what we could all do to make it work. I was never made to feel like I was inconveniencing anybody, or that they were wishing they'd hired someone else.

It goes without saying that 2017 has been a hell of a year to be a woman. But while in many ways it feels like the world is moving backwards, positive changes are happening, too. And I hope this is one of them.- Christine Horne, actress

To be clear, it was still fucking hard. The days between giving birth and starting rehearsal blended together and slipped away while I nursed my baby with a stack of Hamlet texts next to me — a constant reminder of the work I should be doing but wasn't. I was in intense and mysterious breast pain that no doctor, midwife or lactation consultant could figure out for weeks. I felt physically wrecked from labour and nursing in a way that I just hadn't anticipated. But Why Not made room for all of that. They knew where I was at and I knew that they would help and support me no matter what state I showed up in on the first day. And while they showed me all the love and patience and care I needed, they also didn't treat me like I was incapacitated, or as if they were doing me a favour. They treated me with total respect as an artist, and simply expected me to show up and do my job in return. They treated me like I was playing Hamlet.

I am not the only artist/new mother Why Not has supported in this way. Weyni Mengesha, Claire Calnan and Mayko Nguyen all worked with the company very soon after giving birth. Different babies, different situations, different needs. But Why Not listened and made it work every time. When Weyni won a Dora Award for directing Why Not's 2015 production of Butcher, she thanked them for not making her choose between being a mother and being an artist.

I see no reason why this can't happen all the time, at every theatre, for every new mother who wants or needs to work. How many fantastic actors, perfect for a role, have been passed over for a job because someone thought, "She's having a baby — she can't do it"? The potential barrier to me playing Hamlet with a seven-week-old baby wasn't whether or not I was capable of playing Hamlet. It was whether or not the circumstances could be created in which I could play Hamlet. And they could.

It goes without saying that 2017 has been a hell of a year to be a woman. But while in many ways it feels like the world is moving backwards, positive changes are happening, too. And I hope this is one of them. I hope 2018 sees more support and opportunity for new mothers in the theatre. Because we can do it. We can have babies and play Hamlet. Nothing is impossible.